𝕎𝕙𝕚𝕔𝕙 ℂ𝕠𝕞𝕚𝕔𝕤 𝔸𝕣𝕖 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔹𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝔹𝕠𝕠𝕜𝕤 𝕐𝕠𝕦 ℂ𝕒𝕟 𝔹𝕦𝕪?:

𝙎𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝙍𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬𝙨 𝙊𝙛 𝙓-𝙈𝙚𝙣 2-4

& 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙼𝚢 𝚂𝚞𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛

X-Men #2

Comics used to be better. Don’t get me wrong they’re always bad comics even terrible ones. The best comics were fantastic remarkable pieces of art that pushed the medium in new directions. Nowadays the best comics are pretty good maybe even great with a small “G”. What really suffers though, is that creamy middle level of comics. All of this is to say this comic is pretty good… By today’s standards… Back in the day, this would be considered a perfectly serviceable filler issue. Something used as a nice little break after a big storyline. Nothing too fancy. Just a few characters going on some minor mission with a little character interaction and banter. Basically, Cyclops, Rachel, and Teen Cable investigate the sister Island to Krakoa and run into the inhabitants. There’s some misunderstandings. Something, something, Apocalypse is involved with the people on the island and that’s pretty much it. Teen Cable still sucks and he’s kind of annoying but it’s not overbearing. It’s just an average normal comic. I’ll give it a B.

Recommendation: One Of The Better Books You Can Buy

X-Men #3

This issue on the other hand… Holy fuck! This one’s going to be super short. You know Poison Ivy? Well splits her into 3, take away her powers, and make all three of her 80. That’s the villain. They attack some mutants in the Savage Land and Cyclops, Emma Frost, and Sebastian Shaw go to investigate. They actually kick Sebastian shows ass and it’s literally the stupidest thing I think I’ve ever seen! There’s a bunch of terrible old people jokes. There’s a fake catty scene between Jean Grey and Emma that’s stupid as fuck. It’s like a bad joke gone way too far. Easily a candidate for “worst comic of 2019”. D-.

Recommendation: One Of The Worst Books You Can Buy 

X-Men #4

I can now never unknow how stupid Apocalypse in a suit while attending a meeting is. I can never have the pure stupidity of that image scrubbed from my brain. It’s clear Hickman is bored with his own status quo here. So this whole series is just random things happening that usually involve Cyclops for some reason. Anyway, this is another issue that involves meetings with humans and the humans planning some kind of double-cross. Xavier, Magneto, and Apocalypse go meet with some people at the “World Economic Forum” in Switzerland. Cyclops and Gorgon are also there as security. 

If you’re wondering if they bother to explain who Gorgon is in case you haven’t read every issue of “Wolverine” (he’s a Wolverine villain) then your expectations are way too high for this comic. It’s your fault for expecting more at this point. Anyway, I don’t know much about him, but I hear he murdered children so I’m surprised he was in the front of the line to rule the terrorist Ethnostate of Krakoa.

Anyway, the humans planned to have some guys shoot at Xavier, Magneto, and Apocalypse. The latter two being useless to attempt this on, but Cyclops and Gorgon stops this. Gorgon then maims all the shooter guys. So it’s as crappy as usual. C-. And with this, I offer the conditions of my surrender…

I give up. I admit I didn’t understand the nature of this conflict and I’ve underestimated my opponent. I just want to say I don’t want to fight and that I want peace. I honestly didn’t know no we were still at war. I thought we had made an unspoken agreement to a ceasefire.

This all started a few years ago when due to Fox owning the rights to the X-Men movies Marvel deemphasized them and forced the Inhumans on us as a replacement. Those of us the love that X-Men declared all-out war. We fought long, and we fought hard but we beat you we beat you badly. It was an embarrassing defeat. I see now that you never let that defeat go. You pushed these characters on us for years and we said no. Then you finally caved. Your final attack was the “Age Of X-Men” storyline. It was a move of desperation. That’s the only logical explanation for putting out something so shitty. Something that took so long and was so pointless. But finally… The war was over.

See, I thought the announcement of Hickman’s run on X-Men was a white flag and an olive branch. I wasn’t the biggest fan of the man’s past work, but it was certainly competent work. You’re actually going to try with X-Men comics again? That’s all we ever wanted. Then House and Powers Of X was launched, and it was like reading it punished you for thinking. I didn’t realize the nice art was the “Trojan Horse”. It got worse and worse and stupider and stupider as it strayed further away from anything that X-Men ever was or should ever be. I was one of the few that sounded the alarm. I thought this was merely poor storytelling… But now I realize that no the war never ended. 

This what’s our punishment. I do want to stop for a second to say I tried to be fair. I’m one of the few who would say I don’t think the Inhumans show was that bad. I liked it a hell of a lot more than Agents Of Shield. It had kind of likable characters. Maximus was an interesting villain… But I was outvoted. They showed no mercy in ridiculing and destroying it.

Let me get back on topic. I now understand that ruthlessness is the same level of ruthlessness you are now showing us through the X-Men. I underestimated you. I honestly never thought you’d be willing to just kill the X-Men as a franchise completely, but I clearly see now that you’re willing to do it. You’re not bluffing. X-Men #3 was like the bomb dropped on Hiroshima and I see the bomb coming for Nagasaki. I saw the little ad campaign for that “Hellions” book. The book with a completely wrong nonsensical title that should be for a book about evil teen mutants with a complete slapdash cast of characters that make no sense whatsoever. I’ve seen a constant carpet bombing for all the other terrible “X-titles”. I’m not willing to wait for the other big one. I surrender. Just spare X-Men. Just stop. You don’t even have to retcon it. We’ll all just pretend this didn’t happen. 

If you feel the need to do it I’ll just give you this. After “Age of X-Man” everybody hallucinated and none of this shit happened. There you go. Quick and to the point and we never need to discuss any of this again. In return I’ll buy any Inhumans book you put out. Go ahead and put out five in Inhumans books every month. That’s twenty bucks a month now. That’s more than double what people pay for “Disney+”. I’m not even asking for X-Men to be good. Just regular mediocre unsatisfying X-Men. Just stop doing this! I care about X-Men too much. Maybe we can both agree on that someday and you’ll put out a good X-Men comic. For the love of God though, stop this terrorist Ethnostate thing you’ve made! You win! You fucking win, okay?!