קคยรє: ᴀ ʜᴀʟᴛ ᴛᴏ

T̶h̶e̶ ̶O̶n̶w̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶c̶h̶ ̶O̶f̶ ̶A̶u̶t̶o̶m̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ 𝟬6

Since the Inktober of 2016, I’ve been taking prompts from these types of drawing challenges and weaving them into stories. This one is a direct sequel to the one I did last March, “The Onward March Of Automation”. Here the main character, the Megaman-like, Adapter Droid returns for another adventure.

קคยรє: ᴀ ʜᴀʟᴛ ᴛᴏ

T̶h̶e̶ ̶O̶n̶w̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶c̶h̶ ̶O̶f̶ ̶A̶u̶t̶o̶m̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ 𝟬5

Since the Inktober of 2016, I’ve been taking prompts from these types of drawing challenges and weaving them into stories. This one is a direct sequel to the one I did last March, “The Onward March Of Automation”. Here the main character, the Megaman-like, Adapter Droid returns for another adventure.

קคยรє: ᴀ ʜᴀʟᴛ ᴛᴏ

T̶h̶e̶ ̶O̶n̶w̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶c̶h̶ ̶O̶f̶ ̶A̶u̶t̶o̶m̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ 𝟬4

Since the Inktober of 2016, I’ve been taking prompts from these types of drawing challenges and weaving them into stories. This one is a direct sequel to the one I did last March, “The Onward March Of Automation”. Here the main character, the Megaman-like, Adapter Droid returns for another adventure.

קคยรє: ᴀ ʜᴀʟᴛ ᴛᴏ

T̶h̶e̶ ̶O̶n̶w̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶c̶h̶ ̶O̶f̶ ̶A̶u̶t̶o̶m̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ 𝟬3

Since the Inktober of 2016, I’ve been taking prompts from these types of drawing challenges and weaving them into stories. This one is a direct sequel to the one I did last March, “The Onward March Of Automation”. Here the main character, the Megaman-like, Adapter Droid returns for another adventure.

קคยรє: ᴀ ʜᴀʟᴛ ᴛᴏ

T̶h̶e̶ ̶O̶n̶w̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶c̶h̶ ̶O̶f̶ ̶A̶u̶t̶o̶m̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ 𝟬2

Since the Inktober of 2016, I’ve been taking prompts from these types of drawing challenges and weaving them into stories. This one is a direct sequel to the one I did last March, “The Onward March Of Automation”. Here the main character, the Megaman-like, Adapter Droid returns for another adventure.

קคยรє: ᴀ ʜᴀʟᴛ ᴛᴏ

T̶h̶e̶ ̶O̶n̶w̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶c̶h̶ ̶O̶f̶ ̶A̶u̶t̶o̶m̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ 𝟬𝟭

Since the Inktober of 2016, I’ve been taking prompts from these types of drawing challenges and weaving them into stories. This one is a direct sequel to the one I did last March, “The Onward March Of Automation”. Here the main character, the Megaman-like, Adapter Droid returns for another adventure.

𝕎𝕙𝕚𝕔𝕙 ℂ𝕠𝕞𝕚𝕔𝕤 𝔸𝕣𝕖 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔹𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝔹𝕠𝕠𝕜𝕤 𝕐𝕠𝕦 ℂ𝕒𝕟 𝔹𝕦𝕪?: X-Men #6

Last issue, X-23, Darwin, and Synch were sent into a place called The Vault to investigate super-powered beings that are a potential threat to mutants. Within this place, time passes and an exponentially accelerated rate and these were the only ones thought to be able to survive. At the end of the issue, we learned that they were sent there months ago in actual time and that inside The Vault over five hundred years had passed. Cyclops then regrets allowing this to happen.

In this issue, Cyclops decides that enough is enough. Come hell or high water he’s getting X-23 or the others out of there. Xavier tells him that there’s no way he can survive, but Cyclops comes up with a plan. He, Wolverine, and Jean Grey will go in The Vault using a translocator that allows access along with Eva Bell who has control over time.  Since Eva Bell is key to the soulless cloning that Xavier calls resurrection Xavier is adamantly against this idea. This leads to a great moment where Cyclops says to Xavier “I wasn’t asking, I was informing you what IS going to happen”.  Xavier then grits his teeth in anger and puts his fingers to his forehead suggesting that he is about to use his mental powers on Cyclops. He attempts to do it but nothing happens. Bewildered Xavier tries again and that is when Jean enters the room…

She then says “it’s over, Charles. I’ve telekinetically disconnected you from Cerebro. So this is useless now”. Jean then uses her telekinesis to rip Cerebro off of Xavier’s head and smash it into the ground destroying it. Jean then says “at some point while most of us were trapped in the reality X-man created The Shadow King completely took over Krakao. Many of the plants here produce spores that make people easier to control. All the psychic energy after X-man’s reality crumbled left all of us with telepathic powers vulnerable and that’s when The Shadow King struck. He made up and entire alternate past for you where Moira MacTaggert was a mutant that lived multiple lives”. Then Wolverine enters the room and says “hate to break it to ya, Chuck, but she’s dead and she was never a mutant”.  He then lights a cigar and adds “good woman though”. Jean then continues with “through her, she controlled you and between you, Cerebro, and the Krakoan spores you controlled all of us. The Shadow King wanted to hurt you in the worst way possible… By making you kill your own dream and make humans hate us more than ever by creating this separatist island run by mutant terrorists”.

The sudden realization sends Xavier to his knees with tears streaming down his face. After several wordless panels, Xavier says “my God… What have I done”? Cyclops reaches down to his formal mentor to lift him up saying “it’s not your fault, sir. We’ve all been weak and vulnerable and strayed from the light… Before any of this, I have much to atone for myself”. Wolverine then chime in “the only way the three of us broke free was through how well you trained us. The stuff you instilled in us, Chuck… Ain’t no power, or spores, or machines that could break that. Lettin’ X-23 go in that damn Vault is what broke the spell for me.” Jean then says “…he forced me to kill people… That snapped me out of it”. Cyclops then add “treating students like cattle… sending them into that place for hundreds of years… That broke me. We can’t fix everything now… We can save Darwin, X-23, and Synch though”. Xavier now on his feet then asks them “what about the Quiet council and all the others”? Jean responds to him with “Forge is in on this too. He created a backup Cerebro that replicates your mind and Cerebro’s power. Everyone else will act as though they are still under your control until it is deactivated”. As the three leave Xavier, Cyclops says “soon it won’t matter”.

In the next scene, we see them along with Eva Bell as they enter The Vault. There’s page after page of incredible fighting that I don’t want to spoil as The X-men go further and further into The Vault while being attacked by The Vault’s “children” as they venture to rescue their comrades. Once they are found and secured Jean teary-eyed uses one of the Krakoa fast travel plants and uses her telekinesis to take everyone including the children of The Vault leaving only Cyclops there. Wolverine screams “no” and as the portal closes Cyclops destroys the plant with his optic blast. Before the portal closes fully, you see a telepathic bubble from Jean that simply says “I love you, Scott”. A voice from The Vault that seems to be The Vault itself asks how he isn’t rapidly aging to death. Cyclops then grins as he tells it “Apocalypse once used my body so now I’m using his”. Cyclops then turns into and Apocalypse-like version of himself. Cyclops holds something above his head and says “this is the heart of Krakoa. This is the life force of the largest mutant on the planet. We’re sorry we pushed people into creating you. Do not worry, your children will be taken care of and rehabilitated. As I destroy this and kill us both know that the threat of the mutant state you were created to stop ends as well”. He then rips the heart of Krokoa in half and he is slowly enveloped in white energy.

As this happens we see captions that end up being Xavier talking about Cyclops as he breaks ground on a new school. He describes Cyclops as his “first student” and an “a great leader, an extraordinary soldier, and an even greater man”. We then see Xavier outside of this new school with all the X-men and many other mutants around him. Xavier then ends his speech with “and so in his honor, I open this, a home for any mutant with no other place to go. A home that offers room, board, and elementary through University level education for any mutant and a place welcome to anyone who believes in peaceful co-existence. This will be the first of many… I formally welcome you to the Scott Summers’ House For The Extraordinary. I welcome all my students, former and new, to the “House Of X”.

… So if you’ve actually read X-Men 6 you’re probably like “okay this guy has finally lost it” and if you didn’t you probably were like “wait this doesn’t sound right”. No, this isn’t what happens in the issue. C’mon, you should know by now this series is just random stuff that doesn’t continue from the previous issue. I figured I’d write all that because this actual review is going to be pretty short because I already explained how the main part of the story to this issue doesn’t work. This issue follows up on the whole thing from Powers Of X #6 where Mystique wants Xavier and Magneto to bring back Destiny but Moira won’t let them. So I’m just going to copy and paste what I wrote there to explain why this doesn’t work. “We learn Moira faked her death to prevent the possibility of her being killed and undoing this timeline. A problem arises as Xavier and Magneto tell her that Mystique as part of the controlling council of Krakoa wants to use their nonsensical ability to bring mutants back to life on her former lover “Destiny”. Quite a few questions come to mind. Among those questions are these two:

1. Why the fuck do they need “Mystique”? There are other mutants with the ability to shape-shift. There are also telepaths who could make people think they look like someone else.
2. If she is needed, why don’t you just used telepathy to make her either forget “Destiny” or not want to bring her back? They obviously have no moral objection to doing things like this.

None of these questions are answered. They aren’t even thought of. “Moira” objects to bringing “Destiny” back because she could reveal that “Moira” is alive. What incentive would she have to do this though? She would probably agree with everything “Moira” is trying to do. Every other mutant seems to. Even very moral and religious characters like “Nightcrawler” are suddenly complete dickheads because this comic makes them be that. Look back at the dickish grin he has in the previous issue when he says “make more mutants” as they try to pass off this cheap cloning as resurrection”.

In this issue, we learn that when the X-men went into space to destroy Mother Mold (an thereby destroy Nimrod), Mystique planted one of Krakoa’s fast travel plants there. After she is brought back to life Xavier and Magneto send her through the portal and she discovers the Nimrod is still being built. Mystique had the opportunity to kill the scientist chick from House/Powers Of X that’s helping to build Nimrod but Mystique doesn’t so she can use that as leverage to force Xavier and Magneto to bring Destiny back to life. We then learn through a flashback that Destiny told Mystique that the whole Krakoa thing will happen and that if she isn’t brought back to life then she should destroy Krakoa. Destiny talks in riddles for no reason during this part but that’s the gist of it. Mystique in present time then goes to some secret area underground on Krakoa we see Destiny’s mask on some kind of rock-like mantle.

As you can see there’s not a lot to this issue and the fundamental conflict doesn’t work and makes no sense. There’s a new artist for this issue. He’s better than Lenlil Yu is but not as good as the artists from House/Powers Of X. The art is not great but above average overall. This probably deserves a C- but I’ll give it a C because Mystique wanting to destroy Krakoa now is interesting and it makes me want to see where that goes.

Recommendation: One Of The Lesser Books You Can Buy

𝘐𝘴 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘍𝘪𝘭𝘮 𝘈 𝘏𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘺𝘸𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘚𝘶𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘰?: ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ & ꜱᴜᴘᴇʀʜᴇʀᴏ ʀᴇʟᴇᴀꜱᴇꜱ –

𝘉𝘪𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘖𝘧 𝘗𝘳𝘦𝘺 : 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘍𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘌𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘖𝘧 𝘖𝘯𝘦 𝘏𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘦𝘺 𝘘𝘶𝘪𝘯𝘯

             As much credit as it gets, it doesn’t quite get enough. Deadpool is actually such a good movie that you could take whatever you think is the best minute of any DCEU movie and pick any random minute of Deadpool and the Deadpool minute will be better… [Name: Warner Brothers. Possible Beef: 𝗦𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗗𝗖𝗘𝗨 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗼 𝗯𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝘂𝘁𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗗𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗽𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝘂𝘁𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘀]. Wait, I forgot to establish why I started talking about Deadpool in this review of Birds Of Prey. Let’s rewind a bit.

Earlier in this review:

            When you think about it, this movie never had a chance. I could spend this whole review on the pure stupidity of the title. Or I could spend it all on how out of character and miscast every major character is (excluding Harley Quinn and Huntress). These things are certainly annoying and they certainly helped to ensure this movie would flop, but they aren’t the real problem and to be absolutely crystal clear the real problem has nothing to do with any form of feminism. The two things give any indications of this are how the Joker and Renee Montoya’s boss took credit from Harley and Renee, respectively. This is not something that is unheard of in the world. In addition, Harley clearly says she only masterminded SOME of the Joker’s greatest schemes and this is consistent with how she was initially portrayed in Batman: The Animated Series where she debuted as a character. There’s even a whole episode where she gets a lot closer to killing Batman than the Joker ever has. There are two real problems with Birds Of Prey:

1. There was a gross over-estimation of how much anyone liked this version of Harley Quinn after she appeared in Suicide Squad. [Name: Margot Robbie. Possible Beef: Suggesting she grossly overestimated the popularity of her portrayal of Harley Quinn].
2. And this is movie is pretty bad

Suicide Squad was a pretty crappy movie. Looking at it after the fact, it was a bad movie that was then re-edited by a trailer studio to make it even worse. [Name: David Ayer. Possible Beef: 𝗦𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗦𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗦𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗱 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱’𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗮 𝗯𝗮𝗱 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗲 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗱𝗶𝗼 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲]. On a technical level, it is probably worse than Birds Of Prey. Suicide Squad has more mistakes, and the mistakes are more glaring. The villain is worse. Many of the characters have little to no purpose. Slipknot exits. With all that said though, honestly if someone put a gun to my head and forced me to watch one or the other, I’d pick Suicide Squad. Will Smith (who I’m not a big fan of outside of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air) does a pretty good job as Deadshot. Even though Deadshot is a much more interesting character in the comics, he is by far the best character in Suicide Squad. Harley, in that movie, is just okay. Her flashbacks with the Joker make her just sympathetic enough that she gets away with being as annoying as she is. She is less sympathetic in this movie.

The movie begins with a cartoon explaining Harley’s life. She narrates this and from this, we can see that the movie is going to work like the first Deadpool movie. In fact, I need to talk about Deadpool a bit…

            Okay now, we’re caught up. So anyway, like Deadpool, Harley narrates and adds jokes to the proceedings. To say the least, Deadpool does it a lot better. There are two main reasons why Deadpool does this better:

1. Deadpool is just plain funnier. Every joke still hits to this day. Birds Of Prey, on the other hand, has maybe a handful of “grin-worthy” lines. The best joke is a running gag with Huntress that’s “smile funny” and nowhere near “laugh out loud” funny.
2. Deadpool is a more sympathetic and likable character.

Both Harley and Deadpool are (or at least start out as) bad people. Deadpool is a bad person who murders even worse people. He says so himself. Early on, Deadpool threatens a guy who is stalking a girl. This an endearing moment that puts you on his side. Moments like this are called “save the cat” moments. Harley only has the aforementioned manipulation by the Joker. At the very least she was the accomplice to the murder of innocent people and shows no remorse for it even after breaking up with the Joker.

After this, she’s pretty much an asshole to almost everyone she meets because people believe she is still with the Joker and she can get away with it. This whole story only goes into motion because some girls in a club talk about her needing the Joker and how she “can’t stand on her own”. The thing is though, she can’t. She never does. She proves that she can get lucky to the point she might as well be “Domino” when fighting people who should but don’t have guns, but that’s it. In the end, Cassandra Cain is the one who does the thing that actually kills Black Mask, not Harley. If she could stand on her own, there’d be no Birds Of Prey in this story.

Because of what these girls say, she decides to ruin the perfect setup she has where she can be an asshole to everyone with zero consequences. She then tells us we’re supposed to just go along with the idea that her blowing up the chemical plant where she and the Joker were created is some universal symbol that they broke up. This, of course, is not what anyone would immediately assume. This could have been an accident. Some rival of the Joker could have done this. It could be some insurance thing that has nothing to do with the Joker. Luckily, a cop well into her fifties, Renee Montoya, is soon there to investigate and find Harley’s necklace at the scene of the explosion. She pieces together what we were already told this was supposed to mean by Harley. Universally everyone now knows Harley and the Joker are no longer together and she, therefore, is no longer under his protection. Now that I mentioned how Renee enters the story, I feel I should have introduced her and the other characters earlier. Let’s run it back again to right before I started talking about Suicide Squad.

Earlier in this review:

As I mentioned before, every character is out-of-character and miscast. This in and of itself doesn’t make the movie bad, but it shows a lack of care for the source material that informs the rest of the movie. Let’s break down these characters:

• Renee Montoya – Rosie Perez is too old to play this character. [Name: Rosie Perez. Possible Beef: 𝗦𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗵𝗲’𝘀 𝘁𝗼𝗼 𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆 𝗥𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗲 𝗠𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗼𝘆𝗮]. That’s not ageism, that’s basic logic. If this were back when she played a cop in Pineapple Express, there would be no problem. Assuming there’s some reason the filmmakers were not allowed to use Batgirl/ Oracle (who in the comics founded the Birds Of Prey with Black Canary in the first place), a better version of this movie could have had her want to bust Black Mask before she retires but gets injured in the process and takes the role of Oracle as the “info person” for the other characters. Speaking of Black Mask…
• Black Mask – The guy in this movie is nothing like Black Mask and there was no point in making him be Black Mask. The movie would be overall better if he was just some gangster that’s not tied to the comics. The character in this movie is actually interesting though. There just needed to be more of him, and his eventual defeat is lame. One of the highlights of the whole movie is a disturbing (in a good way) scene where a woman is laughing and he is so insecure he assumes the woman is laughing at him so to reassure himself he forces the woman to dance for him then forces a guy that’s with her to cut her dress off with a knife.
• Zsasz – Oh for fuck’s sake! Zsasz is supposed to be a serial killer. He could have been a great Batman villain in a movie that would’ve been very different than any Batman movie we saw before. Here he’s reduced to being a henchman for Black Mask. The actor was the best part of the show The Mindy Project, so it’s sad to see him in such a crappy role.
• Black Canary – She’s a singer at Black Mask’s club who gets promoted Black Mask’s driver (Harley broke the legs of the old driver by jumping on them) after he sees her beat up some dudes that were about to gang-rape a drunken Harley. There’s a lot of conveniences and a lot of “why” here. Renee encounters her and we learn that like her mother who “helped the police” she “has powers”. That’s the closest we get to any explanation for the sonic scream ability she uses only once in the movie. I know the chick that plays her from crappy sitcoms where she had bit parts as a kid and when she was on True Blood. She was terrible on True Blood, but to be fair the whole show was terrible at this point. She’s nothing like Black Canary. Overall, she’s not bad but just kinda there. [Name: Whatever The Name Of The Actress That Plays Black Canary In This Movie. Possible Beef: 𝗦𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗧𝗿𝘂𝗲 𝗕𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗱/ 𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝘂𝗽 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗻𝗮𝗺𝗲].
• Huntress – As mentioned before (after? Dammit, this stupid non-linear review has bitten me in the ass) she has the best jokes and is the only character that isn’t completely out of character and miscast. She’s way more awkward than she is in the comics, but it’s kind of funny and fits with the tone of this movie. Huntress is a mob princess who witnesses her family get murdered, and she seeks revenge using a crossbow. She is by far the best character in the movie but unfortunately, she might have the smallest role and the least amount of screen time.
• Cassandra Cain -… DC Comics has an absolute hard-on for pissing off people that like this character. I’ll never understand it. She is supposed to be a badass assassin who starts off completely mute because she was trained only to read body language. She eventually became Batgirl for a while and had a strong and loyal following. Then DC decided to continually try to ruin, marginalize, or erase her. [Name: DC Comics. Possible Beef: 𝗣𝗼𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗴𝗼 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗿𝘂𝗶𝗻 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗮𝘀 𝗖𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗿𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗶𝗻, 𝗦𝘁𝗲𝗽𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗲 𝗕𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗻, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗪𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗪𝗲𝘀𝘁]. The character in the movie is instead a chubby pickpocket. She steals and swallows a diamond and… Actually, since this deals with the central plot let’s jump back into current time in the review and talk about that…

So the central plot of this movie is a combination of three variations of the “everyone is after the thing” plot. Everyone is after Cassandra because inside of her is the diamond and the diamond has some type of code to an even greater treasure: the fortune of Huntress’s family. Harley is after her to get Black Mask and his men off her ass after she gets captured by them. Zsasz and Black Canary are after her because they work for Black Mask and Zsasz is who Cassandra steals the diamond from in the first place. Black Mask then puts a half a million-dollar bounty on her head. Black Canary not wanting Cassandra to be killed secretly informs Renee (who as a cop is already investigating Black Mask to take him down) about Cassandra having the diamond.

With that set up the rest is mostly weak jokes and average at best fight scenes. You know a movie is bad when you can easily pinpoint the best parts of the movie. The smaller and fewer these parts are, the worse the movie is. This movie has three and I already mentioned two. They were the Huntress gag and the part where Black Mask forces the woman to dance and strip for him. The third part is a moment where Harley uses a bat to break both of a guy’s legs. This level and type of violence should have been constant throughout the whole movie since its rated R. This happens during a part where Harley breaks into a police precinct and shoots cops with bean bags in order to abduct Cassandra. If this movie were anything remotely like the real world, she would have gotten shot within minutes.

After kidnapping her, Harley slowly starts bonding with the kid as she tries to get her to shit out the diamond. Stuff happens until all the ladies fight an army of men led by Black Mask in an abandoned amusement park. Harley gets roller skates and fights with those on for some reason.  Black Canary doesn’t use her sonic scream until the plot lets her even though there are numerous times she could have beat all the guys after them if she did it once. Using it knocks her out though. Eventually, Black Mask gets Cassandra and Harley chases after him. There were grenades though and Cassandra pulled the pin so Black Mask gets blown up.

Then all the ladies then go to a restaurant and Cassandra shits out the diamond. Harley steals Black Canary’s car and rides off with Cassandra. After selling the diamond to start some kind of criminal business, Harley takes Cassandra under her wing to teach her to be a criminal like her. She can learn stuff like… Not getting shot and stealing from a grocery store when she was already such a good pickpocket she could steal a diamond from a trained criminal like Zsasz. Also, we learn that Harley’s hyena was fine after all. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the hyena. Let’s go back earlier in the review and do that…

Earlier in this review:

Harley has a pet hyena. Its name is Bruce. Ha! Get it! Also, she lives in an apartment above a restaurant and the restaurant guy sells her out for money. Some guy Harley screwed over shoots some kind of bomb into her apartment and we’re supposed to believe Bruce got killed after she and Cassandra escaped. He wasn’t though.

Later we see that Renee’s boss steals the credit for taking down Black Mask, and she quits the force over this. She, Huntress, and Black Canary become a vigilante team called the “Birds Of Prey”. Their suits are terrible. The costume people on the DC Comics CW shows would laugh at them. In fact, while we’re at it, Harley looks idiotic most of the time in this movie. Like someone trying WAY too hard to get attention. [Name: The Costume People That Worked On Birds Of Prey. Possible Beef: 𝗦𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗛𝗮𝗿𝗹𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗶𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝗢𝗳 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘆 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗮𝗱].

To sum up, this movie was pretty bad even for a DCEU movie. It’s almost statistically impossible that they still haven’t made a legitimately good movie after nine attempts. GET. BETTER. WRITERS. To me, the saddest part is the waste of so many potentially great characters in this universe. Now to make decent versions of them would require a lot of unnecessary explaining and or a reboot. As I said before, it may be technically better than Suicide Squad and it’s better than Batman V Superman. That’s about it though. C-.

Ratings System:

Saved The Day (A+ to B+)

Stopped The Threat (B to B-)

Minimized The Damage (C+ to C)

Lost The Battle (C- & Below) 

Outcome: Lost The Battle

𝕎𝕙𝕚𝕔𝕙 ℂ𝕠𝕞𝕚𝕔𝕤 𝔸𝕣𝕖 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔹𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝔹𝕠𝕠𝕜𝕤 𝕐𝕠𝕦 ℂ𝕒𝕟 𝔹𝕦𝕪?: X-Men + Fantastic Four #1

The two main things going on are:

1.       Franklin Richards is slowly losing his mutant power to warp reality/create universes the more he uses them.
2.       And the X-Men want to bring Franklin to Krakoa to be part of their mutant separatist terrorist Ethnostate.

During the “X-Men And Fantastic Four” mini-series from many years ago, Kitty Pryde and Franklin developed a friendship. Xavier and Magneto want to exploit this friendship to help them recruit Franklin. Xavier also at least mentions helping Franklin with his powers, so he’s less of an asshole than normal. When asked, Kitty hesitates a bit but goes along with it and a team of X-Men leave Krakoa to go get Franklin.

In the Fantastic Four’s headquarters, Mr. Fantastic Four does some tests on Franklin and he can’t figure out what it going in with Franklin’s powers. Franklin is kind of a dick about it and acts like Reed isn’t really trying then he storms out. He’s a frustrated kid, so this is understandable.  Sue tries to explain to Reed how to Franklin this means he’s losing the one thing that is special about him.

We then get an info page with Mr. Fantastic’s notes on a theory that the Fantastic Four’s source for their powers comes from intra-dimensional sources of energy called “Godpower”. It is his theory that Franklin has become disconnected from “Godpower”. For an info page (which I will always be against) it’s the best I’ve seen. It’s short, and it has relevant information that is actually interesting.

Our next scene has Franklin and The Thing talking in a diner. Franklin suggests his dad unconsciously not putting his full effort into solving the issues with either of their respective powers. Ben is like “nah, cuz’ I’d fuck him up if that were the case”. Johnny then shows up to tell them the X-Men have come to their HQ.

Back there, Sue has an invisible bubble blocking the X-Men from entering. There’s a little back and forth about them taking Franklin and Sue is firmly against it. Kitty phases through the invisible bubble and hugs Franklin. This settles things down and Sue lets Xavier and Magneto in to talk. Xavier briefly goes into why he and pretty much all mutants have become assholes and Reed gives the rational response to this telling him they’re acting like they’re “above humanity”. Magneto, of course, says they are. Xavier then reiterates that Franklin belongs in their mutant separatist terrorist Ethnostate. Sue, also being rational, tells them they can go fuck themselves with their separatist bullshit. I have never liked the Fantastic Four this much!

Magneto then talks directly to Franklin trying to convince him and Franklin considers visiting. Sue then puts an invisible bubble around Magneto. Things go south from there, so Kitty phases Franklin out of the building and Kitty seems to fly them away to a park near a portal to Krakoa. I have no idea how this is possible. When they land Kitty promises to support Franklin no matter what decision he makes. Franklin again expresses some interest in visiting Krakoa, hoping to get help with his powers. Johnny catches up to them and jumps to conclusions thinking Kitty is kidnapping him. Storm then blows him away with her power unprovoked. This starts a big fight between the X-Men and the Fantastic Four. In the middle of this, Reed (being the voice of reason again) tells Xavier “hey asshole when he’s an adult he can decide if he wants to visit your mutant separatist terrorist Ethnostate, but you have some kind of timetable for it which makes you suspicious”.

Franklin then runs through the portal to Krakoa but he remains in the park with the others. It is then revealed that Mr. Fantastic created a device to mask Franklin’s X-gene so he can’t access the portals. This ends the situation and Reed gets painted as the bad guy for doing this. The X-Men then leave through the portal.

To be clear, the only thing Mr. Fantastic did that was wrong was not telling his son about it. He should have told him, and it should have been absolutely non-negotiable that the device would be used until he was an adult that is no longer living under his roof. It is absolutely his right as a father not to allow his underage son to go unescorted to some mutant separatist terrorist Ethnostate where he would be bombarded with anti-human propaganda and surrounded by mutant criminals, terrorists, and genocidal madmen. We’re then hit repeatedly with the idea that Reed was wrong when at most he was mildly wrong.

After this, we see that Franklin and his sister Valeria have snuck on board Kitty’s (and her team The Marauder’s) ship assuming the ship was headed to Krakoa. Kitty finds them and informs them they’re actually on a mission to rescue some refugee mutants. The boat then gets attacked by some mechanical tentacles that look like Dr. Octopus’ for some reason. The issue ends as Dr. Doom boards the ship and after seeing Franklin and Valeria he asks “where’s your father”?

All the annoying stuff with this current run of X-men aside, this was a pretty good issue. Kitty actually acted like Kitty and not the red coat wearing pirate asshole she’s been acting like in Marauders. The art is pretty good except something about the inking being slightly off. Less detailed background characters seemed to suffer the most due to this. I’m so happy this comic has people challenging the stupid BS the X-Men have been on lately. It is very refreshing. The stuff with Reed “being wrong” could have been dialed down significantly though. Anyway, solid book. B-.

Recommendation: One Of The Better Books You Can Buy

𝕎𝕙𝕚𝕔𝕙 ℂ𝕠𝕞𝕚𝕔𝕤 𝔸𝕣𝕖 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔹𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝔹𝕠𝕠𝕜𝕤 𝕐𝕠𝕦 ℂ𝕒𝕟 𝔹𝕦𝕪?: X-Men #5

We begin this issue with three panels that take up more than half the page that was just black. There is no reason for this other than to waste space. Wasting space will be a recurring problem in this issue that helps to ruin what could have been a fairly solid comic. When people pay for a comic they are paying for between twenty and twenty-four pages of art and story. Not info pages. Not repeated panels where the only change is the color. Not purposelessly blank panels. Art and story. Stop cheating people out of their money!

Moving on, after the three blank panels we see Cyclops regretting something and we then flash back to what caused this regret in the rest of this issue. In the first issue of this series the X-men free this human girl who was accidentally kidnapped along with mutants. This girl was from something referred to as “The Vault”. The girl teleports away and the X-Men (specifically Cyclops) don’t even bother to look for her because she’s not a mutant. There’s a lot of nonsense talk in part of the comic that I mostly ignored but some of it wasn’t nonsense. It was actually referring to stuff that hadn’t been explained yet. This seems to be a part of this thing I’m seeing more and more in writing where “tricking the audience” is seen as the height of being clever. Some people really eat this stuff up. I don’t.

This issue continues from this as it begins with Wolverine chasing after this girl in Ecuador. The girl encounters two farmers and uses some power to control them. Wolverine then confronts the farmers, hoping that he doesn’t have to hurt them. This doesn’t work, and he has to beat the shit out of them. This is the best written Wolverine scene I’ve seen in years. As much as I’ve bashed Hickman I must give it to the man. He absolutely nails Wolverine when he tries. After some time Wolverine tracks the girl down just as she enters The Vault which is at the base of giant seemingly destroyed Sentinel. Wolverine informs Cyclops that “they“ll need to find another way in”.

We then waste two entire pages showing the girl is in The Vault. There’s no difference between these pages besides some designs and computer effects and a tiny amount of information that takes up about half of each page. This easily could have been one page either by making the page two large panels or putting all the information on one page.

Back with the X-men, we learn about The Vault. If you know your “Dragon Ball” it’s like the “hyperbolic time chamber” on steroids.

Basically, time moves really fast inside of The Vault. We’re then told the people in The Vault go through “human adaptation along technological lines, not evolutionary”. What the hell does that mean though? The best I can come up with is some constantly improving A.I. is augmenting these people with technology as it learns. This tech is super-advanced because hundreds of years’ worth of innovation can happen within much less time in The Vault.

The X-men then decide to send Darwin, Synch, and X-23 in to investigate and report back because they are thought to be the most likely to survive. X-32 insists on being called Wolverine even though Wolverine is there. Actual Wolverine even supports this. It’s such an unnecessary and cringe-worthy scene that commenting on it further will only give it a level of acknowledgment it doesn’t deserve. So I won’t.

The three are then basically treated like cattle as the danger is presented. More than likely they will be stuck in The Vault for what will be thousands of years to them. “If you don’t get out, we can’t download the information from your minds which will be completely destroyed by being in some lifeless void for thousands of years”. Also, the phrase “temporal shear” gets thrown around. What doesn’t this mean? Fuck if I know, but it sounds cool, right? Then X-23 who just threw a hissy fit about being called Wolverine calls actual Wolverine, Wolverine and says he should go. Wolverine then basically says “generic excuse” and that settles that.

Now our customary info page with Dr. Cecilia Reyes explaining how reviving long-dead mutants like Synch can cause psychological problems because the world has changed so much since they died. It is then suggested that mutants under these circumstances should be brought back to life in “clusters” so they can support each other. This makes sending Synch on this mission that will be emotionally damaging even crueler. Xavier even refers to him as a “redundancy”. God, I just want someone to punch this version of Xavier in the face! This is actually an interesting concept though. One that could have easily been presented within the actual story with art.

Speaking of wasting pages, we have two more pages where half of it gets taken up with pointless information. These pages actually have different art on the bottom half of their respective pages though. One is the “Vault girl” kneeling, and the other is the “Vault girl” with four other “Vault people”.

Cyclops, Storm, and Armor then attack the outside of The Vault as a distraction so X-23 and the others can sneak in. The Vault sends some defense robots out to fight the X-men. Then Darwin extends his hand to the entrance and some energy fucks up his hand. Is this the “temporal shear”? I still don’t know, but then some “translocator” the X-men found is used to open The Vault. The X-Men retreat from the defense robots and the others enter The Vault. There are two more wasted pages where nothing is different besides the designs and colors as Synch, X-23, and Darwin stand in The Vault and are discovered by it. They’re fucked.

We then jump back to the beginning of the comic where we see Cyclops’ regret. He’s talking to Xavier, and it is revealed it has been three months and five days since X-23 and the other have been in The Vault. For them, it has been five hundred and thirty-seven years. Cyclops asks if there’s been some change and Xavier responds “yes”. Cyclops regrets sending them in.

There are some half-decent ideas and one of the artists from “House/ Powers Of X” is back, so the art is great. This comic is done in by pointless vagueness of some of the concepts and all the wasted pages. This one’s so close to a B, but ultimately the scene with X-23 insisting on being called Wolverine knocks this down to a C+.

Recommendation: One Of The Lesser Books You Can Buy