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New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews [ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ] 09-11-19 Batman #78

Batman #78

This issue is like being forced to listen to someone you don’t like while they tell you a story but they never get to the point. Also in this situation, it’s clear that this person isn’t failing to get to the point because they’re bad at telling stories or because they’re a bore. Those things may be true but that is not the reason. No, it’s clear this person is just saying a whole lot of nothing to you as an excuse to prolong the time they are around you. 

After the last issue where “Bane” killed “Alfred” (“Batman” doesn’t know yet) and “Batman” and “Catwoman” talked about going back to “Gotham”, you’d figure they would… Ya know, do that. Instead, they chill out on a beach talking about “Catwoman” leaving “Batman” at the altar and how they’re both sad about it. “Batman” keeps saying “he’s fine” when he isn’t and the whole thing is tedious and annoying. This person who you don’t like who is telling you this story won’t just tell you “he actually wasn’t fine at all and they were both codependent nutcases so they got back together” even though that obviously is how the story ends. 

In the middle of this, they do some training by climbing a mountain and “Batman” throws a “batarang” at “Catwoman”. He throws it all weak and “Catwoman” tells him to throw with his rage at her leaving at the altar. “Batman” completely punks out and just drops the “batarang” in the sand. Then “Batman” finally admits he’s “he actually wasn’t fine at all” and he’s completely dependent on her in a sad, unhealthy way. So because they were both codependent nutcases, so they got back together. Yay? 

… The art is great though… Maybe next time there will be a fight or something interesting for the artist to draw. You couldn’t be safer skipping this issue. C-. 

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile (Barely)

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New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews [ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ] 09-11-19 Powers Of X #4

In the past we see “Xavier” and “Magneto” go to “Bar Sinister” to meet “Mr. Sinister”. There are some jabs about “Magneto’s” costume, but they make no sense coming from “Mr. Sinister” or his people. They talk to “Sinister” telling him they know he is cataloging DNA and want him to focus on mutant DNA. “Sinister” is against because he used it in the past and didn’t like the results and then “Sinister” got killed. That “Sinister” was only a clone and the real “Sinister” then come to take his place. The real “Sinister” is interested. “Xavier” then uses his powers to make “Sinister” forget why he’s doing what he’s doing or that they were there until “Xavier,” tells him to remember. There’s a lot of attempts at humor in the part and much like all the “Nimrod” stuff in previous issues it falls flat. This section also tries to do a lazy retcon to make “Mr. Sinister” a mutant. Also, we already knew from information pages in past issues that “Sinister” worked with “Xavier” so we also learn nothing new from this scene. 

Next, there are three information pages of “Sister Secrets” which I guess is supposed to be gossip between all the “Sinister clones”. They’re a combination of trying to be funny (they’re not) and what can only guess are clues to things that will happen in this storyline and or in the “X-men” relaunch. There are references to “Apocalypse” and his original horsemen, “Madelyne Pryor“, “Thunderbird”, “Wolverine”, “Cyclops” and “Havoc”, “Inferno”, and someone on the “X-men” who has got replaced. 

The story then takes us to “months ago” with “Xavier” taking “Cypher” to “Krakoa” so he can learn the language of the living island. “Cypher” talks to “Krakoa” and learns that “Krokoa” was once a bigger island called “Okkara” but it got split into two by “the twilight sword”. This split “Okkara” into “Krakoa” and “Arakko”. Whoever used “the twilight sword” unleashed a bunch of monsters and “Apocalypse” and his first horsemen saved the world from them…Are we really trying to make “Apocalypse” a good guy here? Really?! This is the only part of this issue that is interesting or new. “Xavier” then leaves “Cypher” to implement all the stuff we saw the “X-men” implemented with “Krakao” before. 

After a pointless information page to pad out this comic, we go to one thousand years in the future. Then we get a bunch of techno-babble nonsense about some guys “finding a way around” The Phalanx”” rules for a planet “ascending” or something. These people then wait for an answer. The end. 

If you weren’t reading this before DON’T. Wait for the relaunch because this was awful. The art is gorgeous, but it doesn’t save this. After going back and forth in my head, I was close to giving this a D but I will give this break and give it a C-. This was bad though…

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New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews [ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ] 09-04-19

Buffy The Vampire Slayer #8

Buffy The Vampire Slayer #8

This is the big one where “Buffy” and “Angel” finally meet. We start with “Buffy” and “Xander” at a school Halloween dance. “Buffy” wears a bat costume and “Xander” just has a pumpkin head mask thing. “Xander” (who’s like half-vampire now or something) tell “Buffy” his “vampire’s intuition” is telling him some guy at the party in a mask ( they don’t say it yet but it’s obviously “Angel”) has been staring at her all night.

Next, we go to a scene where “Giles” is on a date with “Jenny Calendar”. “Giles” and “Jenny” go to an ancient Egyptian exhibit being held by “Buffy’s” mom, “Joyce”. There the couple then meets “Joyce” and her boyfriend “Eric”. They have a laugh about how tenacious “Buffy” is.

Back with “Buffy”, she’s sitting on the bleachers by herself and the guy in the mask (“Angel”) goes to sit next to her. The guy in the mask then says he notices that she’s been staring at a guy. That guy is “Robin Wood”. Gotta say I really hate that they made him into a kid when they rebooted “Buffy” with this series… Not going to dwell on it though. “Robin” is dancing with a girl that looks a lot like “Buffy” according to the guy in the mask. “Buffy” then whines about not having time to date. The man in the mask then tells her she should “make time” and notices that her costume has a tail and remarks to her that “bats don’t have tails”. He then leaves ”Buffy”.

Meanwhile, at the exhibit, “Giles” sees a knife on display and says that it’s “the key to opening the “Hellmouth” and that “Drusilla” can never find out”. Immediately we then see “Drusilla”, “Spike”, and some “red shirt” vampires.  They make a commotion for a bit and while they’re distracted “Giles” grabs the knife and stashes it in his suit jacket. “Drusilla” then asks for the curator and “Joyce” steps up and admits that she’s the curator. “Drusilla” claims that all the stuff in the exhibit was stolen, and that it is “rightfully hers”. 

Hoping that this will stop “Drusilla” and her crew from hurting people, “Joyce” shows her where the knife’s display case. Seeing no knife is there, “Drusilla” threatens to kill “Joyce” and “Spike” nearly bites into her neck when “Jenny” says “they” took the dagger. “Drusilla” then makes a comment to “Giles” about “him as a “Watcher” nearly allowing a murder” as he reluctantly gives her the knife. After making another comment about “Jenny” being “weak” to “Giles”, “Drusilla” then uses the knife to stab “Spike”. This opens the “Hellmouth”.

This affects all of “Sunnydale” as an alarm rings back at the dance with “Buffy”. Kids run out of the building and we see “Buffy” and “Xander” watching as a giant crack rips into the ground around them with fire spewing from it. “Buffy” and mentions seeing this before in a dream and “Xander” mentions seeing this before through his connection to “Drusilla” (she the one that made him a vampire). Then in her home, we see “Willow” floating while in a meditation pose. She’s wearing a shirt that reads “Bruja” while bathed in green light from candles lit with green fire in a circular formation around a pentagram symbol that “Willow” is floating above. Several books and an animal skull float around “Willow” and with this, we end the issue.

Not bad. There’s a lot I don’t like about this reboot but this issue was good. I preferred the art in the first few issues but the art here certainly isn’t bad. For the story it would have been better if they hadn’t advertised this as the issue where “Buffy” and “Angel” meet. For people who only vaguely know “Buffy,” this could have been a nice surprise for later. It would be even better if the man in the mask wasn’t actually “Angel”. That would be a cool way to subvert expectations to those who watched “Buffy”. While not as good as the “Angel” comic (seriously it might be the best ongoing comic out right now) this was good. Solid B. 

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile

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New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews [ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ] 09-04-19 Spawn #300

After this issue, “Spawn” will be the longest-running independent comic ever. That’s pretty cool, right?

I’ve read a little over a handful of issues of “Spawn”. From anything I saw it seemed like most of the time he was he was whining in an alley with a bunch of bums and every blue moon he’d fight some type of villain.  I also saw the movies the movie from the ’90s and I saw a “ComicPop” video on “Youtube” that went into what happened in the first one hundred issues of “Spawn”. So I started this comic knowing:

• A Black operative guy named “Al Simmons” got betrayed and killed by a woman named “Priest” (which was a retcon from his killed being a Rob Liefeld character named “Chapel”) and this got orchestrated by a guy named “Jason Wynn”.
• “Al Simmons” became “Spawn” made a deal with a demon named “Malebolgia” to serve him in return powers and being brought back to life.
• His powers include magic that can basically do anything but there’s a limit. If he goes over the limit, he has to go back to hell.
• He reached the limit and went to hell but he somehow came back.
• His wife “Wanda” started banging and married his best friend “Terry Fitzgerald”.
• He’s antagonized by this other demon “The Clown/Violator” who is against humans beings “gifted” with demon powers.
• A couple cops named “Sam” and “Twitch” often get involved.
• “Angela” (who is now “Thor’s” sister in “Marvel” because Neil Gaiman created the character and sold her to “Marvel” a few years ago) was an angel that hunted him.

I’d say this is more or less what the average person would know about “Spawn”. So, to say the least, you’d figure in an epic three hundredth issue that will attract a lot more attention than any normal issue that there would be a handy recap page to help catch people up on the last over two hundred issues right? Haha, no! The first page simply has the “Spawn” logo with the numbers “0:0:4:7”. I have no idea what this is supposed to be in reference to. The actual story starts with some kind of redneck family barbeque. A punk-looking teenage girl has invited her punk-looking teenage boyfriend. A little girl named “Lisa” then runs up excitedly to the teenage girl and the teenage girl tells she’ll “play with her in a minute. The girl’s uncle is a dick to the punk boyfriend so he and the girl bail.

Later that night we see several members of that family get killed with the uncle being last and you’re supposed to think it was the punk boyfriend but it was “Lisa”. The teenage girl and her boyfriend go back to the house where all this happened she killed them too. This entire part is just to illustrate that chaos is going on around the world. The entire next page tells us this with three talking heads from news/entertainment/opinion shows. Seriously, this could’ve and should’ve been something characters were watching while something else was going on. Basically random people are being violently erratic and the world markets are crashing.

Then with the caption reading “elsewhere, in Spawn’s secret lair” we’re shows “Spawn” is all his scarred, naked glory… “Spawn” is yelling at his partner(?)/roommate(?) “Mark” about how this is what he actually looks like and how “everything else is an illusion”. This is beyond unnecessary… We then learn that this global chaos is being caused by “Spawn” waging a war against both heaven and hell and both sides are retaliating against humanity for it. “Spawn,” says he wants people to be free from heaven and hell. Free from heaven?! I get the idea that heaven does stuff that is just as shady as hell in this universe but don’t people still go to paradise? If that’s not the case then it isn’t explained in this comic. “Spawn” then makes himself look like his human self then makes his ‘Spawn” costume appear and “Mark,” tells him there’s no way he can take on heaven and hell by himself. “Spawn” then responds that he’s been planning “something” to “bring them together”. Mark then asks what “Spawn” is planning. “Spawn” responds to this with “the truth”. He’s planning the truth. Cut! You flubbed the line “Spawn” let’s do it again!

“Spawn” then goes into how his human form, costumed form, and the symbiote are all lies and how his ignorance to those lies caused the loss of his wife. How? What happened? Is this “Wanda”? A different woman? Did they get remarried? Does he still refer to her as his wife? No answers to any of this in this comic. “Mark” then asks “what if you fail”? “Spawn” then replies “others will come”. Not exactly reassuring there, “Spawn”. “Spawn” then says “he knows where he needs to be” and “Mark,” asks “what about him? How’s he going to get home if “Spawn” doesn’t come back”. Where are they? Where is Mark’s home? Why can’t he get back without “Spawn”? Answers here: Nada. “Spawn” then teleports (I think) before he answers mark. Way to leave your boy stranded there “Spawn”!

Next we see “Spawn” in Albania outside of a base we’re told houses a bunch of his enemies who all want his symbiote and his power. “Spawn” enters the base and encounters “Violator” (he looks like “The Clown” and I thought they were the same person but it gets confusing later) who asks if he thought he would get away with trying to destroy their corporate structure and political influence. “Spawn” tell him he just wanted to get the attention of “someone at the top”. “The Clown” then brightens the entire room with light which weakens “Spawn” while he has the “cone of darkness” around the upper part of his body. Then the chains to “Spawn’s” costume seem to latch into the ground holding him down. This part is kind of confusing because there’s a panel where one chain is broken. It looks like he broke the chain but then it reattached keeping “Spawn” down but it is unclear. “Violator” then says something about “Spawn” taking down “Malebolgia” and “The Clown” (like I was saying before this guy looks like “The Clown” with slightly different colors and I thought him and “Violator” were the same person). Then some zombie-looking angel guy named “Godsend” enters the room. This guy then mentions something about wiping out “Angela” and “all her whore angels”. “Violator” then thanks “Spawn” for the transformation he got from killing “Spawn’s” wife. “Spawn” then tells him “that’s what he was waiting for” and then he somehow stops being held down and rips out “Violator’s” heart… Which does nothing… “Violator” then takes on his demon form and somehow “Spawn” seems to be surprised this is “Violator”.

We then get a page like the opening page there’s a spurt of blood coming from the lower right corner and the number next to the “Spawn” logo reads “0:0:1:4”. Again, no idea what this is referencing. Then we go back to “Violator” and “Godsend” and they beat the shit out of “Spawn” and rip the symbiote off of him. “Violator” and “Godsend” leave the building and then there’s a huge explosion caused by “Spawn” that completely destroys the building. They see “Spawn” still alive and wonder how this is possible “Spawn,” says basically the powers was in him all along and he didn’t need the symbiote. 

… This feels like something he should have learned in issue five. Or fifty. Or even one hundred. You’re telling me we’re at issue three hundred and this asshole is just now figuring out his powers?! Tf?! “Spawn” the puts ashes on his face to match the mask of his costume and mutilates himself with barbwire, nails, and some guys skull to simulate the rest of his costume. Does he need to do this? I hope so.  Anyway, that’s the end of this part.

We get another of those weird number pages. This time the number is “0:0:0:1” this begins the “redemption” chapter. We’re then told that this is three hours ago and “Spawn” is in the middle of fighting “The Redeemer”. I’m not sure if this is heaven’s version of “Spawn” aka “Anti-Spawn” or this is another guy. He’s a heaven guy though. In this section, the writing is particularly bad with a lot of “tell” rather than “showing” and what might arguably be worse “telling” while “showing”. Also, one page has the flying towards each other, then it looks like they are standing in the opposite position, then both falling to the ground. Eventually “Spawn” stops fighting and says something about how he “planted a seed” in “The Redeemer” and how he has to “choose”. To the very end, he argues that “Spawn” is evil but for some reason he does whatever “Spawn” means by “choosing”. This turns “The Redeemer” into “The Reaper”. Wtf?! “Spawn,” tells him he has to hide this from heaven and continue as “The Redeemer” until “the trap gets sprung”. 

Then we get another page with the “Spawn” logo with the words “Lost & Found” under it. This part as radically different art that’s in this painted indie style. Here we pick up with “Mark” after “Spawn” left. Mark tries to find his way back home from the house “Spawn” left him for three hours but he’s in the middle of nowhere and can’t figure out where he is so he returns to the house. Then some zombie looking guy “Mark” calls freak is there. “Mark” asks him “where everyone went” and “Freak,” says “master is calling”. “Mark,” asks to come with him and “Freak” just leaves him there. Wtf?!

We’re then taken to “a secluded hospice in upstate New York”. There a patient who was a former “Spawn” named “Jim Downing” has been a coma for eight months. Two angel-looking guys are there to kill “Downing” by we see from the blood-soaked floor and their comments that someone has beaten them to it. Then “Freak” along with a cyborg gorilla (I think his name is “Cy-Gor” or something) and another robot guy kill the angels. Then some “Johnny Blaze”-looking dude with green glowing eyes comes and tell them they have “many more deeds to do” because that’s why he “awoke” all of them. Resurrected? “Freak” then calls this guy master.

We then start to the chapter called “Omens…”. This part has art by J. Scott Cambell (who rarely does interior art anymore and mostly only draws covers now) and focuses on “Jessica Priest”. “Priest” goes to some warehouse in New York City after being called by one her contacts named “Nyx”. “Nyx” is a person with a ton of information on “Al Simmons” and she was anxious when she called and wanted “Priest” to rush over. “Priest” enters the warehouse and finds “Nyx” dead on the ground in a pool of her own blood. From the way one of “Nyx’s” arms is pointing “Priest” finds a hidden room with tons of books, files, and computers. One caption box then says “Nyx” got killed for her knowledge and not her magic. This might mean something if you have any idea what “Nyx” had to do with magic but whatever. “Priest” looks through all this stuff and finds a book or magic and in that find a spell for resurrection. She tries to use this spell to bring “Nyx” back to life but for some reason, it doesn’t bring her back to life and instead “Priest” gets flooded with images from “Spawn’s” life. This then transforms “Priest” into “She-Spawn”. Tf?! Because of the poor construction of the lettering, the big logo for “She-Spawn” is above the text that is supposed to go before it by the way. There’s some awkward posing and a badly drawn arm in the first page of this section but the rest of the art is great. 

We then go to the final chapter “…& Prophecies”. We’re told this is taking place now and see some guy walking up a bunch of steps on a mountain path to some cave with a demon-looking face as the opening. A grey word balloon (from a person in the cave? From the cave itself?) says “welcome”. That’s it.

So if you haven’t been reading “Spawn” there’s zero effort put into explaining anything. Overall, the writing ranges from “fine” to “amateurishly bad”. Greg Capullo draws most of the art and it is excellent. So between him and most of J. Scott Cambell’s section the art overall is great. The sad part is “Spawn” has some interesting ideas and concepts but I’ve never seen them executed well and this comic doesn’t bother to explain things. The art carries this to a C-.

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile (Only & Entirely For The Art)

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New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews [ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ]  09-04-19 Web Of Black Widow 01

Web Of Black Widow #1

“Black Widow” (in a disguise) goes to a charity event held by “Walter Sobol”. “Tony Stark” is there and she dances with him. “Tony” knows it’s her right away and “Black Widow” warns him to stay out of her way. She then goes to the projection room and switches the flash drive already in the computer with her own.

We then see a flashback to a young “Black Widow” as she gets hired by “Walter Sobol’s” grandfather to kill someone. We then cut to “Black Widow” sniping a man in a limo from a rooftop.

Back in the present, “Walter” thanks everyone for being there and try to play a video explaining his charity but because “Black Widow” switched the flash drives a video of “Walter’s” grandfather plays instead. Security then comes to the projection room and “Black Widow” kicks all their asses. We then see “Black Widow” make her way to the roof where she gets confronted by “Iron Man”. He tells her she should have told him about what she was going to do and they talk about how both of them got killed not too long ago and how they are both basically just “copies” of who they were. “Iron Man” is then like “Walter” might have known about what his grandfather did. “Black Widow” in so many words tells him she doesn’t care and tell him again to stay out of it. We then learn that this “Black Widow” is merely a hologram. “Iron Man” then calls “Captain America” and tells him he’s worry about “Black Widow”.

The art is excellent, and the story is pretty interesting so far. I felt the storytelling could’ve been a little clearer but I’ll give it a bit of a pass because this is the first issue. B+.

Recommendation: One Of The Best Books You Can Buy

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New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews [ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ] 09-04-19 House Of X #4 & Doomsday Clock #11

House Of X #4

We don’t even get to start this comic without running into an information page. This is the only one for this comic so hurrah! This page goes into various human-on-mutant crimes with large amounts of mutants as casualties. “The Scarlet Witch” gets referred to as “the pretender” when the “no more mutants” thing she did is listed. Really? I know she and “Quicksilver” were retconned to not be mutants or “Magneto’s” children (which was a terrible a decision btw), but this seems extremely petty. Also the “Genosha” massacre (which was actually caused by a mutant “Cassandra Nova”, “Xavier’s” evil twin sister) it’s stated to have killed like ninety percent of the mutant population. I don’t know it this contradicts what was said before but this is ridiculous either way. There would be some mutants in every country in the world even if the vast majority lived in “Genosha”. Also the post “no more mutants” number of mutants gets listed as “198”. Wasn’t that reversed at the end of “Avengers VS X-men”? I could be wrong but I think having the mutant population be that low is stupid either way.

With that information page done, we begin our story with the “X-men” that are not on the “Mother Mold” mission at their base on the moon. “Xavier” has them all join minds because I guess even with “Cerebro” he can’t telepathically connect to the other “X-men” and this somehow helps. They do that and contact “Jean” and she informs them that the explosion at the end of the last issue killed “Archangel” and “Husk”. One of the original “X-men” is dead. No “last hurrah”, no “blaze of glory”, just a cheap off-panel death like he was “Admiral Akbar”. 

Hell, did “Archangel” even speak in this whole series? Also “Husk” was there?! Why?! In fact, that reminds me. I forgot to say in the last issue’s review, but “why the hell isn’t “Magneto” there”?! He could probably take care of this by himself. “Wolverine” and “Nightcrawler” are also badly hurt. “Nightcrawler” can still teleport the “X-men” into the “Mother Mold” station though, but “Jean” and “Monet” stay behind to maintain a connection to “Xavier”. Shenanigans! These are two of their heaviest hitters! Just “Jean” staying behind barely makes sense, but I’d accept it, but both! What point is the connection anyway?! “Xavier” can’t do anything from there. If the “X-men” don’t come back you know they failed. The “X-men” then split up and they each individually take on a section of this space station… Doesn’t seem wise to me, but I’m no expert on military strategy or whatever though. 

There’s then a bunch of stuff with “Karima” and the humans reacting to the explosion and the “X-men” infiltrating. Forces get sent to board the “X-men’s” ship and the next thing we know the “X-men” have disengaged two of the collars on “Mother Mold”. We then go to the “X-men’s” ship as it’s being boarded. “Monet” and “Jean” go to the escape pods but “Monet” tells “Jean” she will stay behind “because they have to find someone on the ship or they’ll start looking for her”. Huh? So you know they can’t see the escape pod? Or that they’ll see one person there and just stop looking? In the end the answers to both of these questions is “no”. “Jean” tries to convince “Monet” to come with her in the escape pod but she doesn’t and the escape pod with “Jean” gets launched. I don’t imagine “Monet” being this selfless but again I could be wrong. The soldiers that boarded the ship then run up on “Monet”. “Monet” then becomes “Penance” and kills a bunch of them. I guess we’re supposed to assume the soldiers eventually kill “Monet”.

Back on the base, we skip to “Cyclops” taking out the second to last collar. That only leaves “Mystique” with hers. “Mystique” gets caught by “Karima” and the female scientist who was the wife or fuck buddy of the guy who caused the explosion last issue. They send “Mystique” out into space killing her then they block off the last collar so it’s in open space where “a hard vacuum” will keep anyone away from it. The scientist lady then brings “Mother Mold” online even though “Karima” question if “Mother Mold” will be “sane”. Through the connection with “Xavier” the “X-men” know about this and “Nightcrawler” and “Wolverine” teleport out into space to stop “Mother Mold” as it comes online. There’s a nice character moment between them as “Wolverine” asks “Nightcrawler” about the afterlife and “Nightcrawler” says to look for him as he’ll be there waiting. This kinda doesn’t work because “Wolverine” just died not too long ago but let’s let it slide. “Nightcrawler” teleports them out and dies instantly then “Wolverine” destroys the last collar which sends both he and “Mother Mold” into the sun. “Wolverine” and “Nightcrawler” are dead (yeah right). This was almost cool but “Mother Mold” starts babbling about “Gods” and “children”. It supposed to be deep, but it’s stupid and terrible.

“Cyclops” then mentally tells “Jean” a half-baked plan to get them back to earth but “Karima” shoots him with nanites that block his powers and the scientist lady kills him. Then drones find “Jean” in her escape pod and kill her too. “Xavier” then responds to the death of this whole team with “no more”. Fuck this comic! This is all going to get retconned, and it will be stupid af when they do. Even the art, which has been mostly great, is showing its flaws. There’s one panel of “Storm“ where her face is particularly ugly-looking and there seems to be an effort to not show actual fighting. Kicking, punching, dodging and all other actions in a fight get avoided in this series. Only striking poses after the fact get shown. I’m becoming a broken record with this but C-.

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile

Doomsday Clock #11

With all the delays this series has had it is criminal that there’s no recap page. Full disclosure, I’m biassed on this one. This and “Before Watchmen” are blasphemy to me. “Watchmen” is one of the seminal works of comic books as a medium, and I take comics seriously. This is the equivalent of making a “direct to DVD” sequel to “Citizen Kane”. With all that out of the way, let’s get to it…

After “Dr. Manhattan” beat a good portion of all of “DC’s” heroes a few issues back the world is in chaos. There’s riots and looting in all over the world. “Batman” and “Wonder Woman” are in “Kahndaq”. There Batman” fights a bunch of soldiers that are trying to launch a nuke (I think)and “Wonder Woman” fights a bunch of supervillains. “Wonder Woman” then struggles to fight “Black Adam”. There’s an attempt to make fun of how stupid Trump is, but it’s terrible and falls flat. In “Themyscira” the Amazons consider taking “Wonder Woman” away and saying “screw man’s” world. In Russia, Putin is demanding that America turn over “Superman” events in a previous issue where “Firestorm” turned a bunch of people into glass and shattered them. I don’t remember exactly how “Superman” was involved.

“Lex Luthor” then recaps the very basic parts of the story to “Lois Lane”. Which is: “Ozymandias'” plan was exposed leading to nuclear war in the “Watchmen” world so he came to the “DCU” (which absolutely ridiculous) to search for “Dr. Manhattan” in hopes that “Dr. Manhattan” would save the “Watchmen” world.

We then go a scene where “Ozymandias” is watching all the destruction and chaos going on in the “DCU” on a bunch of screens just like that part in “Watchmen”. He has some bald dude and “Saturn Girl” from “The Legion Of Superheroes”. “Saturn Girl” (a telepath) says something about not being able to read “Lex’s” mind. There is no indication this is “Saturn Girl” except if you know the character she looks kinda like her. I honestly had to “Google” her to make sure.

Back with “Lex” and “Lois”, “Lex” describes how he figured out that someone has altered the “DCU” reality. He found a picture of “Dr. Manhattan” (in his human form, Jon) with his wife. There’s then a bunch of stuff about “Lex” “tracking the energies” and “Dr. Manhattan” either purposely or accidentally leaving this same picture whenever he time traveled in the “DCU”.

Elsewhere soldiers then come to take “Superman” away by order of the president. “Superman” then flies off to talk to the president himself. We then go back to “Ozymandias” and “Saturn Girl”. “Ozymandias,” tells her that though she “came to warn “Superman” about something she doesn’ understand” she will “never see “Superman” again. She tells him he’ll never destroy “Superman” and “Ozymandias” responds that he is counting on him surviving. 

Then there’s a full page of “Alfred” making pancakes with “Rorschach’s” mask nearby and the pancakes sort of look like the mask as he cooks them. This is either a stupid waste of a page or I’ll just cop to this being over my head. We then see a dream “Rorschach 2” has about “Rorschach 1” killing his dad. “Rorschach 2” then wakes up and “Alfred” comes (with the pancakes he made). “Alfred” read “Rorschach 1’s” journal and he along with “Batman” now believe “Rorschach 2”. “Alfred” wants him to help them find “Ozymandias” and prove “Superman’s” innocence” and says they need “Rorschach”. This and being pissed about being in jail makes “”Rorschach 2” freak out and run off.

“Ozymandias” then reveals to “Saturn Girl” that he’s been pulling the strings to everything. It’s so absurd and convoluted that I can’t and won’t go into it. Suffice to say, his plan would require power and resources he couldn’t possibly have on his world nonetheless in another universe along with people being unbelievably predictable. Somehow all this is supposed to save both his world and the “DCU” by bringing the “DCU” to its lowest point. He then makes “Saturn Girl” realize she isn’t part of this timeline and she disappears. Wtf?! Then we learn the bald guy was “Alan Scott” the original “Green Lantern”. While he’s saying all this, we learn that the Amazons did take “Wonder Woman” away somehow and “Black Adam” and a bunch of villains are at the White House to start some kind of revolution. “Superman” then comes to confront them.

This comic ends as “Superman” confronts “Dr. Manhattan”. Tf?! Did he beat “Black Adam” and all those other guys? Is this later? Wtf?! There’s then supplemental stuff from “Lex Corp” about where each of eleven different pictures of “Jon and his wife” were found. There’s then a twelfth picture that is reminiscent of a famous “Flash” cover where the original “Flash”, “Jay Garrick” and “Barry Allen” are both running to save a person. This picture leads “Lex” to believe that “Jon” has altered reality and that he has had past lives with “Superman” and that the two of them are trapped in an endless loop where neither of them can win. “Lex” now want to find “Jon” and close the loop.

This felt like a jumbled mess. I get the idea that this is supposed to “feel like the chaos” going on in the comic but this is too much. This whole series is a non-starter for me because the idea that “Ozymandias” can just take “NiteOwl’s” ship, add some stuff, and jump to other universes is implausible. The “Watchmen” world doesn’t have tech like that. It took everything “Ozymandias” had to simply block “Dr. Manhattan’s” vision of the future for a short time. “Gary Franks” art is good as always though. C. I don’t recommend it but you’re probably going to get in anyway so…

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile

The Best Books To Buy (Tl;DR Version – Short Notes On Comics I Didn’t Do Full Reviews For)

New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews 

[ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ] 08-28-19

These are just basic things I noted as I read each of these comics with a score and rating. These didn’t get full reviews because by the time I did full reviews for these the comic would be very old and other more popular comic books took precedent.

Absolute Carnage 02

“Spider-Man” actually wanted to try to save “Norman Osborn”. Real superhero shit there. Surprisingly, rare nowadays. Shenanigans on “Dylan” being “Annie’s” codex. Venom’s an idiot for throwing “Scorpion” back to Carnage’s minions when he has a codex. The comic seems short, especially after the super long first issue. Transcript of “Norman Osborn’s” psychiatrist session is a mostly pointless waste of pages. B-.

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile

Marvel Team-Up 05

The “Wastrel” name reveal is bullshit. “Ms. Marvel” says something about “making fun of her fanfic” but no one ever makes fun of it. It’s praised in anything I’ve ever seen her in. The way “Wastrel” talks is stupid and annoying. How can this guy repair and improve Kree tech? “End of partnership… And friendship”. Melodramatic much? Borrows “Wakanda” ship from “Shuri”. Why? “Captain Marvel” can fly and the “Avengers” have a plane. Fights two things that look almost exactly like “Sentinels” and they even point this out in the comic. Beat so easily there was no point. This issue pretty much blew everything that was kinda interesting about the previous issue. C.

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile (Barely)

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: The Chosen 01

This has three tales of previous “Slayers”: A Native America one; an Italian one from the 14th century; and a French one from the 1800s. The first story is drawn well but none of these stories are very interesting. Don’t waste your time or money. C-.

Recommendation: One Of The Worst Books You Can Buy

Angel 04

 “Lilith” contradicts what said in the last issue by making “Fred” sane before “Angel” returns. She said “Fred” would be sane if “Angel” survived. “Angel” calls the villain guy “ugly face the dark master of phone apps” (his actual name is “Amarkak”) . Genuinely funny. After learning his name “Angel” uses it to cast a spell that binds him for one thousand years. A bit Deus Ex Machina. When “Angel” returns and a now sane “Fred” tells him that “Lilith,” says that he needs to find “a warrior, a sorceress, and a watcher, the slayer”. She adds that his enemies are hunting these people. “Fred” then says “the warrior” is first on the list. We then “the warrior” (“Angel’s” Black ally “Gunn”) as he kills a vampire. He looks pretty badass. Some flaws in this one but the art remains great, and this is still one of the best books out. B. 

Recommendation: One Of The Best Books You Can Buy

Which Comics Are The Best Books You Can Buy?:  

New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews 

[ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ] 08-28-18 Batman / Superman #01,

Absolute Carnage: Miles Morales #01, Justice League #30

Batman / Superman #1

“Clark Kent” is at work at “The Daily Planet” when “Batman” calls him to the “Justice League” satellite. “Clark” Leaves immediately. As “Superman” flies to “The Justice League” satellite “Batman” says weird stuff about how they shouldn’t be friends. “Superman” gets to the “Justice League” satellite and everyone else in “The Justice League” is dead. As “Kryptonite” gas brings “Superman” to his knees we learn that the “Batman” talking to him is actually “The Batman Who Laughs”. This was a different Earth than the normal “DC” universe.

In the real “DC“ Universe “Superman“ meets with “Batman“ and “Commissioner Gordon“ to investigate a “Superman Who Laugh“ who kidnapped a kid named “Danny“. As “Batman“ and “Superman“ leave “Gordon gives a“ heh” that indicates he is infected with the stuff that makes people messed up like “The Batman Who Laughs”. Eventually “Batman” and “Superman” find “The Batman Who Laughs” lair under the spot where “Batman’s” folks got murked in “Crime Alley”. “Superman” smashes through the ground and they enter the lair. Then see that “The Batman Who Laughs” has special “batarangs“ that make people like him and he plans to turn all the other heroes into people like him. A kid dressed like one of “The Batman Who Laugh’s” “Robins” then attack “Batman”. The issue then ends as we learn this “Robin” is actually “Billy Batson” who becomes “The Shazam That Laughs”.

This wasn’t bad. Good artwork and both “Batman” and “Superman” are portrayed well. I’m a little over “The Batman Who Laughs” but this is interesting so far. B.

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile

Absolute Carnage: Miles Morales #1

“Miles” and “Ganke” are window shopping at some store and “Miles” is fiending for some expensive shoes. “Scorpion” then attacks and “Miles” changes into his “Spider-Man” costume and fights him. They fight but then “Carnage’s” minions come to get “The Scorpion’s” “codex” from him. “Miles” then helps “The Scorpion” fight them off. The two realize these minions are “inmates from Ravenscroft” so “Miles” wants to be careful not to hurt these people. “The Scorpion” is like “fuck that noise” and starts murking them. Dude then betrays “Miles” by knocking him into a bunch of the minions and tries to break out. “Carnage” himself shows up and nearly gets the codex from “The Scorpion” but “Miles” saves him. Then “Venom” shows up, grabs “The Scorpion”, and bails leaving “Miles” by himself. Wow, dick move! After that, try as he might “Carnage” turns “Miles” into one of his minions. The art is not great, but this was okay. C.

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile

Justice League #30

“Starman” tells the “Justice League” that “The Legion of Doom” will defeat them in three days and free “Perpetua”. He then says “this is not a dream. Not a hoax. Not an imaginary story”… If you get this reference you understand how this “joke(?)” messes up the tone of this scene.

Then pretty much every hero that wasn’t part of “The Justice League” becomes part of the team. We’re then given a recap of the dark forces that “The Legion Of Doom” unleashed and the positive opposites to that forces and how those forces are like “strings” to the “instrument that is the multi-verse”. “Starman” then reveals his staff is a piece of “The Totality” and with it, he can find two other pieces of it. One is in the future and one is in the past. With those pieces together they might be able to match the piece that “Lex Luthor” has. The plan he lays out is that the “main” “Justice League” will split into two groups to get “The Totality” pieces while all the other heroes prevent “The Legion Of Doom” from stopping them.

We see that through the power of the piece of “Starro” that “The Legion Of Doom” is on to the “Justice League’s” plan though. Back with “The Justice League”, we see that “Superman”, “Batman”, and “Wonder Woman” will go to the future while “Flash” and “Green Lantern” will go to the past. While that is going on “Mera” and “Hawkgirl” will go with “The Monitor” and “The World Forger” to convince “The Anti-Monitor” to help them. The two teams go to their respective times but then someone working for “The Legion Of Doom” disrupts the communications between the teams and jump into one of the portals.

We see “The Flash” and “Green Lantern” in the early twentieth century but there are flags with “The Legion Of Doom’s” symbol on them. We then see “Batman”, “Superman”, and “Wonder Woman” in the future where they get attacked with ionized “Kryptonite” by giant robots with “The Legion Of Doom’s” symbol on them. The three get saved by some kind of tiger men who are led by “Kamandi” “the last boy on Earth”. This comic then closes with “The Flash” and “Green Lantern” confronted by “The Justice Society Of America”. Overall pretty good. B. 

Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile

Which Comics Are The Best Books You Can Buy?:  

New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews 

[ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ] 08-28-18

House Of X #03 & Marvel Comics #1000

Books Of 08-28-19

House Of X #3

The story begins with a cringy scene with “Cyclops”, “Xavier”, and “Magneto”. “Xavier” “can hear the fear in his mind” and says that he “needs to overcome it for his family”. “Magneto” then says something about how “you never die if you’re not forgotten”. Both of them act way to “dad-like” to “Cyclops” especially with the differences “Xavier” and “Cyclops” have had not too recently. “Cyclops’ then forms his team to go into space and stop “Mother Mold/ Nimrod“.

For this mission rescuing the humans is not a priority. Not “X-men” at all. Jean at least acts like a hero and questions this. The “X-men” then fly off from what appears to be a “Krakoan” base on the moon. Then we interrupt the story with an information page that is mostly a waste on stuff we already know about “Sentinels”. The little bit that might be new isn’t important. Another information page explains how the “X-men” in “Moira’s” previous life from one hundred years in the future got incomplete files on “Nimrod’s” origin. “Nimrod’s” creation is believed to be connected with the creation of “Mother Molds”. The “X-men” of this time were able to monitor technological advances that lead to “Mother Mold”/“Nimrod”. Third information page explains a “superhuman supermax prison” called “Project Achilles” for the “worst of the worst”. It houses only thirty criminals.

We then see a scene at that prison where “Sabretooth” is on trial for being part of the break-in back in “House Of X #1”. His lawyer pleads “Sabretooth” was an unwilling accomplice. Something is mentioned about a “12 strike rule” that “supersedes intent”. Shenanigans! “Sabretooth” himself pleads guilty and is a dick about it. “Emma Frost” and two of the “Stepford Cuckoos” then enter and declares that citizens of “Krokoa“ have diplomatic immunity and that they will take “Sabretooth” into their custody. She’s a total bitch about it and they let her go because they can’t stop her. So we have complete justification for why humans need “Sentinels” right here. There’s then another wasted page on explaining how “Omega Sentinels” are humans injected with nanotech “Sentinels”. They’re injected and become machines. It’s pretty self-evident.

We go to where “Mother Mold” is and two of the human scientists talk. They’re both ladies. One brings up the point that the machines will eventually take over everything which is exactly what we saw happens in the future. The other says something about a control collar preventing that. Then people at the “Mother Mold” station or whatever see the “X-men’s” plane and know they’re coming.  Somehow this giant space station doesn’t have the defenses to stop the “X-men’s” plane. They’re defenses “aren’t ready yet”.

“Nightcrawler” is then sent to make sure the plans they have for this space station are correct. He teleports into it and runs into the scientists from before. The one that called out how “machines will take over everything” is named “Karima” and “Nightcrawler” seems to know her. I think “Karima” is an “Omega Sentinel” but it isn’t clear. The “X-men” are about to enter when some guy who is married to or at least banging the other scientist chick sets off a huge explosion to defend the base killing himself and possibly the “X-men”. We’re then given yet another informational page that explains how “Doug Ramsey/Cypher” created the “Krakoan” language. Again a lot of it was explained already, so this is mostly a waste. There’s then a key given for the language. So if you give a shit about that it’s there. They then give you two pages you can translate. C- even with the art.

Recommendation: One you should put in the maybe pile (barely)

Marvel Comics #1000

You deserve better than this. Especially for the price of ten bucks. I’ll cut to the chase on this one. Don’t buy this. Don’t support this. The buzz about this comic shortly before it came out was that this was a just a cash grab. I thought to myself “somewhere around ninety percent of comics are cash grabs nowadays so why single out this one”? I was wrong. Not too long ago “DC” put out “Action Comics” and “Detective Comics” #1000. Neither was great, but they had an okay short story or two. This comic attempted to crank out over eighty (!) single page stories (one for every year “Marvel” has been publishing comics). In all fairness, writing comics is hard and short stories are hard to do. Creating a compelling story within a single page might be the ultimate challenge in writing. Comics that are one page usually contain a single joke or the smallest update to an ongoing story when done well. Expecting to achieve that over eighty times is overly ambitious, insane, stupid or a sign the people attempting it don’t respect what they’re trying to. At worst, it’s people with an attitude of “who cares if it’s good they’ll buy in anyways”. The only plus I can give to this is that there is a recurring story within these stories that is somewhat interesting. If this story within smaller stories was a miniseries or a minor event, it might have had a chance of being good. This story though focuses on such minor obscure characters in “Marvel” that only the most hardcore “Marvel” people with knowledge “Marvel’s” earliest characters could appreciate it fully. Again don’t buy this, but if you are at all tempted to, I’ve gone through the tedious daunting task of reading and briefly summarizing every single story in “Marvel Comics” #1000 so you don’t have to…

Story 1: Seems to expand on a single panel from “Marvel Comics” #1. Some guys created the original “Human Torch”. That’s it. Art’s good though. 

Story 2: Three guys named “X1, X2, & X3” meet with some former thief turned crime writer called “The Ferret”. They refer to themselves as a “X-humans”. They want “The Ferret’s” mask that he used as “The Operative”. “The Ferret,” says something about it being magic and gives it to them to help them fight Nazis. Wtf?! Again the art is good though. 

Story 3: “Steve Rogers”, right before he’s about to become “Captain America”, stumbles onto the three guys from the last story as they seem to try to create someone called “The Thunderer”. 

Story 4: “Robert DeCosta” (the rich Brazilian mutant, “Sunspot”) talks to “Jimmy Choo” (the rich Asian guy who runs “Agents Of Atlas”) about the three X guys. He says they called “The Scientific Guild” and they popularized using “X” to represent mutants. He then says after creating the original “Human Torch” and “The Thunderer” (also called “The Dark Avenger”) they disappeared. Looks like they will investigate it. 

Story 5: “America Chavez” talks about her origin. There’s a curious part where she’s amazed people would take in a “bloody broken” kid when any half-decent person would. The only relevance to this is she’s sort of named after an old 4o’s character “Miss America”. 

Story 6: Text piece over an image of “Captain America” about why he wears a mask. It’s about the thought that America is an idea about truth, justice, equality and all that stuff. This is the one where you might have heard about controversy about what Mark Waid originally wrote. I saw nothing controversial about. It was basically “America hasn’t lived up to the ideals of America so let’s fight to do that 😊”. Whatever though… 

Story 7: Dumb thing about “Hellcat’s” tips for taking selfies. It’s not funny. 

Story 8: Text boxes over a picture of “The All Winners Squad” as they look sad as “Captain America” hold another “Captain America” that appears to be dead. The text is something about “The Thunderer” telling “The Science Guild” he won’t work for them and something about another android they created. Wtf?! 

Story 9: “Jimmy Choo” is with “Namora”. He wants to search for “The Thunderer”.  At the moment she’s busy fighting off an invasion of some underwater kingdom in a “flying saucer” style ship they’re both in. Someone named “Bob” (“Bob Grayson” the original “Marvel Boy”) is linked to the ship and says the ship is his mind. Wtf?! “Bob” then says he met “The Thunderer” and that “it’s not about him but his mask”. Again wtf?! Particularly poor storytelling here. 

Story 10: This cowboy guy “The Masked Raider” is on the ground after being shot twelve times. He’s wearing “The Thunderer’s” mask. Some guy trying to help him takes the mask off but “Masked Raider” tells him not to. The other guy does it anyway and “The Masked Raider” dies the second the mask is taken off. The other guy then puts on the mask and wants to get justice for “The Masked Raider”. 

Story 11: A bunch of random stuff with “Tessie The Typist”, some private eye guy, the original “Marvel Boy”, and “Venus”. 

Story 12: “Marvel Boy” is in a cave next to what looks like “The Thunderer’s” corpse. A message from “The Thunderer” is then broadcasted from a nearby machine on a frequency only someone “special” like “Marvel Boy” can hear. “The Thunderer” warns that “The Scientist’s Guild” is still after the mask and that they may have a new name so look for “anyone trying to impose order on society”. 

Story 13: “Dr. Strange” tries to wash his “Cloak of Levitation” or whatever and it causes him trouble. Dumb and not funny. 

Story 14: Various versions of “Loki” telling each other “you can escape”. Wtf?! Great art though. 

Story 15: A “Not Brand Echh” throwback. “Bulk” and “Thung” fight over ice cream. Not funny. 

Story 16: The “Avengers” headquarters is now the insides of a dead “Celestial”. “Gorilla-Man” is part of “The Avengers” staff. “Jimmy Choo” (through a hologram) ask “Gorilla-Man” to mind-link with the dead “Celestial” to search for info on “The Thunderer’s Mask”. 

Story 17: Back in the time of King Arthur, “The Black Knight” fights some guy with “The Thunderer’s” mask. The fight lasts three whole days and “The Black Knight” wins but he’s too weak to stop a couple guys from running off with the mask. 

Story 18: “Jimmy Woo” fights some “Hydra” guys while talking to “Roberto DeCosta” speculating on the history of “The Thunderer’s” mask. He awkwardly compares it to an immigrant as part of this… 

Story 19: This old guy “Matt Masters” has “The Thunderer’s” mask and is being robbed by this other guy “Dennis Piper”. “Piper” is a “Robin Hood type” and “Matt” started the rumor that got “Piper” to come rob him. “Matt” then gives “Piper” the mask. 

Story 20: “The Scientific Guild” changes its name to “The Enclave”. There’s also stuff about “The Thunderer’s” mask not working because they’re evil and them trying to create something. 

Story 21: They waste Alex Ross art on some reporter asking “The Hulk” some dumb questions. Inexcusable!

Story 22: Pointless thing with “Rocket” and “Groot” being interviewed. “Groot” says positive things that “Rocket” disagrees with. Dumb, but the cartoony art is nice

Story 23: “The Thing” gets interviewed about what he does. He talks about what “Mr. Fantastic” and “Captain America” would say then answers “because people need me”. 

Story 24: “Spider-Man” calls the head of the “Columbia Science Department” and tells him how he got powers from a spider bite. The guy doesn’t believe him and thinks he’s crazy. Basically, this is really about common arguments about how “Spider-Man’s” powers make no sense. We then see the guy “Spider-Man” was talking to was “Dr. Octopus”. Mildly clever. 

Story 25: Pointless overview of “Ironman” in text boxes over a picture of “Tony’s” face and three of his armors. 

Story 26: “Steve Rogers” and “Bucky” are in a snowball fight as kids. The snowball fight ends and the kids head home. “Bucky” says “Steve” “looks like a frozen tie”. There then there’s an image of “Captain America” frozen in ice. 

Story 25: Pointless thing with “Blackbolt” and “Jockjaw”. Not funny. 

Story 26: Sort of a meta thing about “Black Panther” addressing people caught up in the hype of the “Black Panther” movie who “wear the garments” but don’t “represent the soul”. Semi- interesting but needed more than one page. 

Story 27: Something about “The Scientist’s Guild” and a blind girl (“Alicia Masters”?) finding “The Thunderer’s” mask in space. Also they created “Adam Warlock” or something. Not sure cuz’ it’s a confusing mess. 

Story 28: Pointless thing with “Captain Marvel”. 

Story 29: “Galactus” fights and defeats “Thanos” with “The Infinity Gauntlet” (Shenanigans!) and he explains how he’s like a “farmer” to “sheep” who see him only as “the planet-eating guy”. I don’t imagine he would think about this or give a shit. 

Story 30: “Conan” is a king, and a thief gets brought before him for judgment. The thief is a guy who stole stuff with “Conan” when they were younger so “Conan” lets him go. That’s it. Effin’ stupid. 

Story 31: Pointless “Red Wolf” thing. 

Story 32: Super pointless “Blade” thing. Didn’t even bother with dialog for this one. 

Story 33: “Mary Jane” talking about “Gwen Stacy” and how they were kinda friends. Might have been interesting if there was more to it. 

Story 34: The creators of “Wolverine” coach the “character” of “Wolverine” like he was an actor right before his first appearance in comics. Creative at least. 

Stroy 35: Pointless thing with “The Punisher”. 

Story 36: Pointless thing with the two “White Tigers” (I didn’t know there were two). 

Story 37: The “Star Wars” one. Some chick flies her ship into “Vader”. Rebel guys think “Vader” is dead. He isn’t. 

Story 38: “Weapon Alpha” from “Alpha Flight” is sent to investigate a “fully operational base” of “The Scientist’s Guild”. He blasts his way inside the base and finds that the place has been wrecked. Some guy named “Blind Justice” shoots “Weapon Alpha” with some kind of electric gun that shorts out “Weapon Alpha’s” suit. We only “Blind Justice’s” face in shadow so he may or may not have “The Thunderer’s” mask. 

Story 39: This one is an ink drawing of “Night Raven” (never heard of him) with text around it. The text describes how “Night Raven” was a crime fighter who git on the bad side of an immortal woman named “Yi Yang” who ran the “Dragon Fang” crime syndicate. “Yi Yang” makes him immortal. From there “Night Raven” then describes they battled for decades and how world events such as the World Wars were just a backdrop of their battles. Seriously?! He also describes how being alive for such a long time drives you insane. Then ten years ago “Yi Yang” disappeared. “Night Raven” then tells us how he caught a mugger three days ago who told him “Yi Yang says hi” before killing himself. Mildly interesting. Would’ve been nice if this were an actual comic. 

Story 40: Something about “She-Hulk” not getting enough credit or something. 

Story 41: We compare what happens to “Iron Man” and “Dr. Doom” after “Dr. Doom” takes something called “The Matrix” after he defeats “Iron Man”. “Iron Man” struggles because he’s hurt while “Dr. Doom” walks confidently. “Iron Man” is greeted by his friends “The Avengers” and falls asleep after railing “Pepper Potts” while “Dr. Doom” falls asleep in his chair after jerking it to some chick that vaguely looks like “Sue Richards”. I made up that last part to make this more interesting than the actual story. 

Story 42: Some “breaking the 4th wall” stuff about “Hercules” being jealous of “Thor” with some robot guy I’ve never heard of. Dumb and not funny. 

Story 43: A little Black girl in an orphanage in Italy draws a picture of “Storm” but she won’t speak. We later see her dreaming about how “Storm” rescued her from a boat during a storm.

Story 44: “Spider-Man” saves a pregnant woman’s life, and the woman wants his real first name so she can name her son after him. “Spider-Man” tell her it’s “Ben”. We then see he’s done this many times. Kinda cute with nice painted art. By far the best story so far. 

Story 45: They tried to do the “illegal immigrant” thing with “Thor” and it doesn’t work. He then goes into the “learning humility” part of his origin to describe why he helps people. 

Story 46: Pointless thing with “Howard The Duck” that ends up being a parody of a “fruit pie gag”. Not funny

Story 47: “Spider-Man” mourning at the spot where he killed a woman named “Charlie” in “Spider-Man Versus Wolverine”. “Wolverine” then shows up and tells him to get over it. The only reason I understood this at all was because I watched a video on “YouTube” by “Comicpop” about “Spider-Man versus Wolverine”.

Story 48: Pointless thing with “Speedball”. 

Story 49: Some new guy is being shown around “Damage Control” by a guy who’s worked there awhile. “The Vulture” attacks and steaks a case of “Chitauri” stuff. The art is really ugly. 

Story 50: “Night Thrasher” talks to “Jimmy Choo” as he examines the body of “Blind Justice”. We learn that “Blind Justice” was one of the members of “The Scientists Guild” and that he passed “The Thunderer’s” mask on to someone else before he got killed. “Blind Justice” was killed with a “chronal device” so there’s no telling when he was killed. “Night Thrasher the suggests bringing in” Blue Marvel” to help. 

Story 51: Pointless thing where “Cable” talks about “X-Force” and “Deadpool” makes a joke at the end. Not funny and has typically bad Liefeld art. 

Story 52: “The Thing” knocks out “Venom” and for some reason “Spider-Man” is a dick about. Effin’ stupid! 

Story 53: “The Punisher” and “Wolverine” are in some kind of shootout. “Wolverine” reveals he likes bath bombs and we learn they both take baths. Not funny and fucking bizarre. 

Story 54: “Spider-Man” talks to someone we don’t see with his mask off about the route he takes web-slinging every night and how certain areas where people that were close to him that died affect his “Spider-sense”. This seems wrong but whatever. 

Story 55: Pointless thing with “Apocalypse”. 

Story 56: Pointless thing with pictures of “Captain America” and some kid with a “Captain America” backpack and the Pledge Of Allegiance. 

Story 57: “Deadpool” does a parody of “Chicken Soup For The Soul” but it’s not funny. 

Story 58: “Daredevil” tells some person filming him why he is actually not a “Daredevil” or a “man without fear”. Actually decent with good art by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti. 

Story 59: “Rick Jones” gets interviewed and is self aware that he’s in a comic book. That’s it. 

Story 60: “Sage” write some generic stuff about the “X-men” and the words are over mediocre “X-men” drawings. 

Story 61: Some interviewer (leaning into this way too hard BTW) asks “Jessica Jones” about the “personal risk of being a superhero now that she’s a mom,”. “Jessica,” responds “worry, yes. Regret… Never,”.

Story 62: “Elsa Bloodstone” talks about hunting monsters to this shark thing with legs. Then she finds it cute and says she’ll “kill anything that tries to hurt it”. 

Story 63: More generic “X-men” stuff. This time with manga art that is badly colored. 

Story 64: “Gabby” wakes up “X-23” and she doesn’t appreciate being woken up from a nap. Then “Gabby” opens the window to show “X-23” a bunch of heroes fighting “Fin Fang Foom”. She then uses the old “Marvel” motto of “The world outside your window”. 

Story 65: “The Young Avengers” in their civilian clothes meet for lunch or something. Everyone else tries to get “Patriot” to lead them again. He is reluctant but “Terminus” attacks and they become “The Young Avengers” again to fight him. It’s left ambiguous if this is one-time thing or they will be a full-fledged team again. 

Story 66: “Jessica Jones” and “Luke Cage” get interviewed on some TV show about “finding balance between being superheroes and parenting”. There’s a reference to a comic where “Dr. Doom” owed “Luke Cage” money and in the end they both agree there is no balance. 

Story 67: “Hulk” tell “Amadeus Cho” he wants to be alone and then a bunch of “Hulk’s” friend and family come around him. Unbelievably pointless. 

Story 68: Even more unbelievably pointless “Iron Man” thing. 

Story 69: “Blue Marvel” recaps the history of “The Thunderer’s” mask that we’ve seen in this comic to “Night Thrasher” and “Jimmy Choo”. This doesn’t help them with finding the mask or “The Enclave” now. “Jimmy Choo” then suggests that they are now “the three X’s”. 

Story 70: “Mary Jane” the character is treated like an actress as “Mary Jane” goes through her various phases as a character. Good, J. Scott Campbell art at least. He also makes an okay joke about a cover he drew of “Mary Jane” where she’s in an awkward pose. =

Story 71: Text about “Miles Morales” locking himself out of his house over a nice painted picture of “Miles” as “Spider-Man” locked out of his house. 

Story 72: Something about “Spider-Man” giving up the element of surprise he had against “Dr. Octopus” so he could be with “Aunt May” as she visited “Uncle Ben’s” grave. 

Story 73: Explanation of scars that “Cable” with terrible art. 

Story 74: “Miracleman” reads some “Marvel Comics” in a world that has no need for superhero comics because it’s so good I think. Then some “Miracleman”-like woman (I know nothing about “Miracleman”) comes kisses him and says “those are what got us into this mess in the first place”. 

Story 75: “Dr. Doom” acts like he’s the only one who’s ever suffered or something. It’s dumb, and the art is bad. 

Story 76: An interviewer (seriously get a new gimmick!) asks “Deadpool” why he does what he does. Instead of answering “Deadpool” complains about the 9-panel grid format of the comic. Not funny. 

Story 77: Various characters get asked what they regret. Some of the answers are intended to be funny but aren’t and a couple are serious. Then “The Watcher,” says mortals shouldn’t have regrets. They should rectify them or move on because life is short. Most of this is a waste but there’s a good message in the end. 

Story 78: “The Silver Surfer” says something about how the only thing that matters is the choices you make. He chooses to do good. 

Story 79: Eternity says a whole lot of nothing before revealing “The Thunderer’s” mask is is a piece of him. 

Story 80: We learn that whoever currently has “The Thunderer’s” mask listened to, watched, or was the one interviewing in all the interviews of the characters in this comic. These interviews inspired this person to take on “The Enclave”. This person calls themselves “The Masked Raider”. 

Story 81: One of the guys in “The Enclave” says “Adam IV project is fully active” and that “Korvac” is online. Then there’s a guy with a bunch of tubes coming out of him and scientists working around him. 

The vast majority of this is nothing less than a complete waste of time. The few stories that are any good still aren’t anywhere near great and are absolutely not worth paying for. I’ll give this a C- that is dangerously close to a D.

Recommendation: One of the worst books you can buy

The Best Books To Buy (Tl;DR Version – Short Notes On Comics I Didn’t Do Full Reviews For)

New Superhero Comic Book & Graphic Novel Ratings & Reviews 

[ Marvel / DC Comics / Image / Indie ] 08-21-19

These are just basic things I noted as I read each of these comics with a score and rating. These didn’t get full reviews because by the time I did full reviews for these the comic would be very old and other more popular comic books took precedent.

Jane Foster : Valkyrie 02 – The All-weapon is op and kinda annoying. “Jane” references the death of “Gwen Stacy” which there’s no way she’d know about. Her ability to see death is cool. B- / C+. Recommendation: One You Should Put In The Maybe Pile

Absolute Carnage vs Deadpool 01 – “Deadpool” pulls a “jerkass Homer” and invites “Spider-Man’s” villains to his birthday. It isn’t his birthday though. “Rhino” actually brought a present. Dumb. He even invited “J. Jonah Jameson”. Dumb. Weak ripoff of “Seinfeld” “team of psychiatrists” joke. “Spider-Man” sends “DP” to the asylum where “John Jameson” works. “Carnage” is way more talkative here and mentions “Misty Knight” being there and escaping with help from “John Jameson”. “John Jameson” is now one of “Carnage’s” minions. “Deadpool” had four symbiotes on him. Not funny, pointless story, a decent amount not explained. C. Recommendation: One Of The Worst Books You Can Buy

Black Mask : Year Of The Villain 01 – Super cliche with him having an abusive dad. Crazy coincidence he knew “Bruce Wayne” as a kid. “Black Mask” pointlessly tells life story to hostage he ends up killing. Lex gives him a crazy offer to control a rival company to “Lex’s”. Why? C. Recommendation: One Of The Worst Books You Can Buy

Daredevil 10 – Issue has a different artist than usual. Interesting effect used on words that “Daredevil” can hear with his super senses. Great fight scene. B+. Recommendation: One Of The Best Books You Can Buy

Fearless 02 – This whole thing center’s around a summer camp for young women. “Storm” is a speaker there. Wouldn’t she be highly controversial? Every adult woman is drawn too old looking. Campers are between 16 and 22?! Seems way too old. “Captain Marvel” is drawn like a man most of the time. C. “Night Nurse” backup has pretty good art. Lame story though. “X-23” story just sucks. Recommendation: One Of The Worst Books You Can Buy

Ghost Spider 01 – Going to college in another dimension is the dumbest premise ever. People in the “616” just know about other dimensions?! She has a symbiote suit made of Spiders?! C. Recommendation: One Of The Worst Books You Can Buy